


Sincerely Jared

by Dearamber



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-10-15 20:04:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10556914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dearamber/pseuds/Dearamber
Summary: The events of dear Evan Hansen but through Jared's perspective and also a lot gayer than the actual play. Jared is like super in love with Evan in this





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Evan ran his fingers through Jared's hair as they lied in bed together. Jared felt so content in his arms so safe. “I love you.” Evan whispered in his ear, Jared smiled feeling loved and accepted for the first time in his life. He turned around to kiss Evan their lips almost meeting-  
Beep beep  
The harsh sound of his alarm woke him up out of his pleasant dream. He hit the alarm hard closing his eyes hoping to get another ten minutes of sleep in before having to haul his ass to the shower to get ready for the first day of his senior year.  
He failed at his attempt to get anymore sleep so after about 5 minutes he pushed himself out of bed and into the shower. He turned it the coldest setting trying to get rid of his unfortunate boner and the thought of fucking evan hansen out of his head.   
Unfortunately he didn’t think he could ever get him out of his head not really. You see Jared had been in love with Evan for years now. They met when they were ten, there moms worked at the same hospital and bonded over the fact that their son’s had issues connecting to the other kids and making friends. They decided to set them up for a play date. Jared had only seen Evan briefly around school before that play date. During recess he would sit up alone in a tree reading a book. But Jared never thought much of him till he was face to face with him. He was a small lanky kid with bright blue eyes. He looked absolutely petrified, his mom had to gently push him into Jareds house. The first time they hung out was painfully awkward Evan didn’t say a single word he would only nod or shake his head when Jared would ask him a question. Jared asked his mom afterward if Evan could talk and his mom explained that yes Evan could but sometimes it was a little harder for him to talk to people than it was for most people.Evan was different than anybody else Jared hung out with. He was gentle and sweet. He never mocked jared for wearing glasses or for being chubby or not running as fast as the other kids. He never yelled or punched jared on the arm. He was pretty quiet most of the time but sometimes Jared would tell a joke and Evan would laugh and god it was Jared's favorite thing in the world when he laughed. They became progressively closer throughout the years. They would hang out at Jared’s house or at the park by Evans house. The more time they spent together the deeper Jared fell in love. It didn’t even really hit him that’s what he felt until summer of 7th grade. He knew that Evan made his heart beat and that he liked Evans hugs a lot and that he wanted Evan around all the time but he didn’t know it was crush not really, the thought never occurred to him.   
But one night Evan came over for a sleepover and he started talking about Zoey murphy. About how pretty she was and how sweet she seemed. Jared felt a tightness rising in his chest when he talked about her.   
“Like you have a chance with her. You can hardly get a sentence out without stuttering. ” He began to mock the way Evan spoke how he would stutter and shake when he spoke.  
That was the first time Jared was mean to evan. Sure he had teased him before but that was the first time he had ever said anything genuinely mean to Evan. He still remembered what Evans face looked like after he said that. He looked like he had been slapped, and awkwardly ran off to the bathroom. When he came back his eyes looked slightly red. They watched a movie in silence after that before Evan dozed off but jared couldn’t sleep he couldn’t stop thinking about Evan or why he had said what he said.   
Did he like Evan as more than a friend?  
The answer was yes, yes he did.  
And he couldn’t deal with it. He couldn’t deal with his feelings for Evan or the fact that he was gay or the fact that Evan loved Zoey and not him. So he pushed Evan away. His jokes became harsher and he stopped texting Evan first, stopped inviting him to hang out as much. He hated doing it, he fucking missed Evan but having him to close hurt even more. By the end of 8th grade they hardly spoke. For some reason Evan still showed up to his middle school graduation party.   
“You’re mom force you to come?” was the first thing out of his mouth.  
“Not really.” Evan mumbled and shoved his gift into Jared’s hand.   
Jared ignored him most of the party in favor of talking to his camp friends, but he couldn’t help glancing over at him every few minutes.  
“Who's the weirdo in the tree?” One of his camp friends had asked him.   
“Evan. My parents make me hang out with him.”  
He raised his voice a little at the last part and he knew Evan had heard him by the expression Evan made after he said. It was the same face he made when Jared had said he’d never have a shot with Zoe.  
After everyone left he opened up Evans gift first. It was a wicked cd. Evan was the only person in the whole world who knew about his love of broadway or his talent with singing. Evan wrote a little card with it thought you’d enjoy singing along to this :). He messaged Evan right after that that thanking him for the gift but he could tell Evan was mad and honestly he couldn’t blame Evan. He had been acting like a dick.   
But he couldn’t stop he couldn’t let Evan or anyone else for that matter know his secret he just couldn’t.  
So he kept everything he felt for Evan in his head and pushed Evan farther and farther away until the only times they talked were in the hallways during school and occasionally when evan would show up to the cafeteria.  
Jared was trying to not think of all that as he got ready for school. He hadn’t seen or spoken to Evan all summer. He could have he was in charge of the whole computer area of his camp. But he didn’t even know what he’d say. He really hoped Evan hadn’t been too lonely this summer and that maybe he had made a few friends.  
When he entered the school he saw Evan right away. Evan had a cast on his arm and Jared couldn’t help but worry how it happened. He walked over to him“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break your arm jerking off too much ?” That was the first thing out of his mouth after not seeing Evan all summer.  
Evan immediately started stuttering no when jared said that but jared continued anyway  
“You’re in your bedroom you’ve got zoey murphys instagram up on your weird off brand cellphone-”  
“That’s- thats not what happened obviously I fell out of a tree.’  
Jared couldn’t help but snort at that. It was such an Evan thing to do. “You fell? Out of a tree what are you like an acorn?”  
Evan started stammering about his job this summer as a park ranger. Jared attempted to look uninterested but he was pretty sure he was failing miserably at it.  
“How - did you have a good summer?” Evan eeked out  
“Well my team dominated at capture the flag and I got to second base with a girl from camp if that answers your question.”  
Only part of that was true. Jared had gotten to second base with someone. It just hadn’t been a girl.   
But he didn’t tell evan that.  
He started to walk away feeling uncomfortable after the lie “Wait!” evan called after him, “Do you want to sign my cast?”  
“Why are you asking me?” He said it like it was the craziest thing in the world. He noticed that no one had signed it and it hurt his chest a little  
Guess he didn’t make any friends this summer   
“Cause we're friends.”  
Jared genuinely had a hard time believing that Evan still considered him a friend. He treated Evan like shit.  
“Were family friends. Big difference and you know.”  
He didn’t look at evans face again cause he knew that kicked puppy look would be on his face. He saw connor murphy and before he got stop himself he made some dumb comment about connor looking like a school shooter. He internally kicked himself for pissing off the guy that threw a printer at mrs. g. Instead of diffusing the situation he called connor a freak and walked away. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Connor shove Evan. He felt his blood boil and all he wanted to do was run over and hug Evan and help him up and tell him it was going to be okay. But he didn’t. Instead he walked to class trying to get Evan out of his head.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo this update is so late I am so sorry. This chapter is really badd but I just needed to get this chapter out of the way anyway thank you for reading and commenting and all that nice stuff it means a lot

About a week after school began Jared was sitting in the cafe with his friends- well ‘friends’ was a strong term. They were acquaintances more than anything else, friends because they had to be because no one else would be. Alex who played drums in band . Jared was pretty sure he had never washed his hair and Alana the biggest teacher's pet he had ever fucking met. He liked them enough he guessed but a lot times he found them (especially Alana) to be extremely annoying.

On that warm september day he found them to be particularly annoying. Alana was talking 100 miles a minute and jared had a pounding headache and was honestly too tired to even make a joke about what she was talking about.   
“Can you be quiet for like two minutes please?” He mumbled under his breath. He was pretty sure she had heard him but she didn’t acknowledge it and just kept going. He grumbled and got up to go buy a bottle of juice and in the process almost crashed into none other than Evan Hansen.  
“Oh- oh shit i’m so sorry” Evan muttered looking down trying to push past him  
“Don’t even sweat it ” Jared droned sarcastically Evan looked up  
“Oh hey Jared.”  
“ I didn’t know you had this lunch asshole.”  
“I uh i don’t usually eat in the cafe, I usually eat in the library but- I forgot my bagged lunch today.”  
“Oh my god” Jared said shaking his head laughing “well if you want to pretend you have friends for one day you can come eat with me.” He wasn’t sure why he asked Evan to sit with him. Maybe it was the fact that he had no classes with Evan and he hadn’t seen him since the first day of school and he honestly missed him. Maybe it was because they’d only talked once since the beginning of school when Evan had frantically texted him because Connor Murphy had stolen his weird letter to himself and he was freaking out because he was scared Connor was going to show people. Jared hadn’t exactly calmed him down he told him that if he was Connor he would ruin his life with it.  
“I- I don’t know I was just planning to buy a lunch and leave- but uh I guess one day in the cafe wouldn’t hurt.”  
“Atta boy” Jared said and slapped his shoulder a little too hard. He saw Evan flinch and he immediately felt bad.  
He lead Evan to his table toward the back of the cafe.  
“Evan!” Alana exclaimed excitedly when Evan approached the table. Alex only grunted at him not looking up from his game boy.  
“Hi alana.” Evan smiled at her, ‘How are you?”  
Alana divided into talking about her project with Evan excited to have a new pair of ears to listen to her ramble.  
Evan’s mind seemed to be off in another planet but Alana didn’t seem to notice, she never really seemed to notice.  
Over the loudspeaker a voice cracked  
“Evan Hansen to the principal's office”  
“We’re you finally caught masterbating in class?”  
Evan didn’t say anything he just glared at Jared and grabbed his bag.

 

Jared wasn’t really sure why Evan had been called down to the principal's office but he definitely didn’t expect Evan to show up to his house freaking out after school.  
“They think you're what??”  
“They think we were friends they found the letter in his pocket.”  
He was trying to process all the information. Connor Murphy was dead. They thought Evan and Connor were best pals. The whole thing was incredibly fucked.  
“They want to have me over for dinner tonight. They want to know more about our friendship”  
“What are you going to tell them?”  
“The truth I guess.”  
“Really? You want to go to there house and explain that the only thing they have left of their son is some weird sex letter that you wrote yourself?”  
Evan didn’t say anything and so Jared continued talking “Do you want to listen to me or do you want to have a melt down again like last year in English when you were supposed to be giving a presentation but you just kept mumbling um um over and over again like you were having a brain aneurysm?’   
“Well what do you expect me to do just keep lying to them?”  
“I didn’t say lie. All you have to do is nod and confirm whatever they say about Connor just nod your head and say ‘yeah that’s true.’ Literally nothing I tell my parents is true and they have no idea”  
He actually didn’t lie that much to his parents. Occasionally he’d lie about his drinking habits to them(He drank more than he’d like to admit) but the main thing he lied to them about was the fact that he was gay. He really didn’t know why he lied to them about it. They were very liberal he knew they wouldn’t have an issue with it. But it was the whole idea of saying he was gay outloud that freaked him out. Even this summer when he had gotten nasty with a boy he had told the boy “I’m not gay but this is an all boys camp and I have to get my needs met some way.”  
“Don’t make shit up.” He warned Evan as he left his house he didn’t want stuff blowing up but he had a feeling that no matter what he did that stuff was about to go very wrong very fast.

He was right. Evan called him later that evening telling him that he had in fact made a ton of shit up.  
When Evan finished Jared asked “Well what else did you completely fuck up?”  
“Nothing- nothing ” He paused for a minute “Well i told them we wrote emails.”  
“Emails?”  
“Yeah I told them he had a secret email account and we would write-”  
Jared cut him off“Right one of those secret email accounts for sending pictures of your penis’s to each other.”  
“There going to want to see our emails!!”   
“You think?”  
“What am i going to do?”  
Before he could really think he said “Well I can do emails.”   
“Really?”  
“Yeah it isn’t that hard you just backdate the emails. There’s a reason I was the only cit with key card access this summer. I’ve got skills son.”  
“You would do that?  
“For 2 grand.”  
“2 grand?”  
“500?”  
“I can give you 20.”  
“Fine but your a dick.”  
When he hung up he just laid in bed wondering what the hell he had gotten himself into. He shouldn’t have agreed to it he knew that but he couldn’t just leave Evan floundering he couldn’t. He cared too much about him to not try and at least help a little.  
Who knows maybe this could be a good thing Jared thought to himself  
Well  
Probably not.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on spring break so I should be updating quite a bit this week:) thank you for reading

Jared wasn’t really sure what he gotten himself into. He was going to help Evan fake letters for a dead kid. A dead kid he hadn’t always been that nice to. His stomach turned with guilt thinking about the last thing he had said to Connor, ‘you’re a freak’. He tried his best to push the feelings of guilt away. He had bigger things to focus on like helping Evan with these dumb emails.

Evan was coming over to help him with the emails and Jared was more excited to spend time with him than he’d like to admit.  
Evan showed up at his house at exactly 3:02 two minutes after he said he’d be there.  
‘Hey Hansen”  
Evan awkwardly nodded hello as Jared let him into his house.  
Evan had been to his house quite a few times but this was one of the first times in years they had been alone at Jareds. Other than last week when Evan came over frantic about the letter this was the first time since freshman year. That had been different it had been frantic and quick and rushed.  
Evan looked slightly uncomfortable not really sure how to act without Mrs. Kleinman there asking Evan a million questions and offering him food.  
“So.. do you want to start the emails or do you want to eat something? I haven’t really eaten anything today and there’s leftover chicken pot pie in the fridge if you want some?”  
Evan snorted “you sound like your mom”  
Jared rolled his eyes repressing a laugh he had forgotten that Evan had any sense of humor he never really saw that side of Evan anymore.  
“Well i’m going to heat up some chicken pot pie for me if you don’t want any.”  
“I’ll um I’ll have some”  
He got up and went to go heat up the chicken pot pie.   
“I’m very excited to begin writing the saga of you and your dead lover.”  
Evans face went beet red as Jared handed him the pot pie laughing

Dear Evan Hansen,  
We’ve been way to out of touch and it sucks that we don’t talk that much but I should tell you that I think of you each night. I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight

“Why would you write that??” Evan screeched   
“I’m just trying to tell the truth.” He said coyly. He was having more fun writing these letters than he thought he would. He forgot how much fun playfully fucking with Evan was.  
“These have to be perfect they have to prove that we were actually friends… just let me do it.”  
Jared got up letting Evan have control of his laptop and Evan resumed the letter  
I gotta tell you life without you has hard  
“Hard really?”  
Evan deleted it and changed it to bad  
“Bad?”  
Rough  
“Kinky!”  
Evan ignored him this time and continued writing   
And i miss talking about life and other stuff

They continued writing these letters for about an hour Jared throwing in a dumb joke whenever possible. He was really hoping one of them would make Evan laugh but Evan didn’t really seem to amused by his antics.  
“I bet I can still kick your ass in mario kart racing.” Jared said smirking as he shut the laptop, he was really hoping Evan would take that as a hint that he wanted him to stay.  
Lucky for Jared he did.   
“Don’t you ever get tired of playing video games?” Evan asked him after their third game  
“Don’t you ever get tired of having no friends?” Jared shoot back  
Evan ignored him and continued talking “Like do you ever want to go outside and um look at trees and nature and stuff?”  
“I am thoroughly convinced you have a tree fetish.”  
“Shut up.”  
A part of Jared really wanted to take Evan to the top of a tree and make out with him but he pushed those thoughts out of his head.  
Jared laughed and Evan cracked a smile and it honestly made Jared’s heart feel incredibly happy and light.  
“I should uh get going the Murphys wanted me to bring them the letters tonight and I have to do some homework before I meet up with them.”  
Jared tried not to let his disappointment show. “Oh okay.”

Evan left and Jared just continued playing video games trying to distract himself from the fact that Evan was over at the murphys house where Zoey was. The girl Evan was madly in love with. Jared just wanted to snap his fingers and destroy all his feelings for Evan. He grabbed a drink from his cabinet and took a swig out of it before dialing his booty call.  
He had started sleeping with this guy over the summer the second base camp boy Mike.  
He liked Mike as a person but he wasn’t he sure as hell wasn’t Evan.  
But he was a pretty good distraction and that was more than enough for Jared at the moment.  
As he was lying in bed with Mike afterward he received a text from Evan, that he had tried to kiss Zoey. It had felt like someone had stabbed him in the chest. He couldn’t take having mike there at that moment all he wanted to do was cry.  
“You know the drill fuck and leave.” Jared said playfully shoving him out of bed  
“Don’t you ever want to do anything other than fuck?”  
“Maybe with someone who has more than three brain cells”  
“Your an ass kleinman, you’re lucky you have such nice ass” Mike winked  
“Get out”  
After he left Jared just lay there trying not to let sadness overwhelm. He had answered Evan and had given him the advice to never go back to the Murphys. He really hoped he wouldn’t. If he did go back maybe they’d end up a thing. Maybe they date and get married. Maybe if they got married Jared would just be invited to the wedding cause Evans mom would make him. Maybe he’d tell people that the angry gay in the corner looking at memes was his annoying family friend.

He was overthinking and he knew it but he couldn’t help it. Evan was the only person who had ever made any sense in his life and the thought of Evan dating someone and being in love for real with someone was too much on him. I mean he knew it was bound to happen but he wanted to pretend for as long as he could that it wasn’t going to happen.  
He took another drink and stared at evans contact picture. It was a of Evan from 9th grade. A close up shot of him laughing. Evan had cringed when he saw what Jared had put as his contact picture and of course Jared had made fun of him about the picture like crazy but the truth was Jared thought it was the cutest fucking picture of Evan. It was close enough to his face that you could see his tiny freckles, his eyes looked so blue, he was actually smiling it was one of the rare times he was smiling for real.   
“Why do I have to be in love with you?” he muttered to himself. He took another drink laying down. He posted an update to his shitty blog that literally no one read that he only updated so he could say the words i’m gay to someone who wasn’t himself.  
He wrote an entry about Evan. That’s what most of his shitty entries were about. He was no writer but he definitely wrote a fair share of poems about Evan. Evans eyes evans smile yack yack yack. Evan made him act like a fucking teenage girl and he hated it he really hated it.  
He knew that soon all of this would blow over and he genuinely couldn’t wait for that day.  
“People are going to forget soon you’ll see” he told Evan a few days after they wrote the first batch of emails.  
Evan called him about a week later as things were starting to slowly die down.  
“We can’t let people forget. I have an idea.”   
Great  
Just fucking great.  
He pulled Jared and Alana together and explained. “The connor project a big online organization dedicated to keeping Connors memory alive to show that everyone should matter.”  
He wanted to say no that he wanted nothing to do with this but he couldn’t say no to Evan because all he wanted was to be close to Evan even if it meant helping him with this ridiculous terrible idea of his.


	4. The one where Jared comes out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alana and jared are bffs in this fic wooo

The Connor project was slowly beginning to destroy Jared's life. It had been fine at first. Even sort of exciting. But now it was all Evan wanted to talk about, it was all he wanted to do. He was pushing Jared farther and farther away. The point of helping Evan was to grow closer to him, to fix their broken friendship. Not for Evan to forget he existed.  
And there was Zoey. In an unexpected turn of events the two of them had started dating. They held hands in the hallways and Evans weekends were now filled with spending time with Zoey. He would ramble on and on about her and it was like a bullet in Jared’s heart every time he did.  
“She’s makes me so happy Jared.” He would say when they would hang out to write letters.  
great . great.   
Jared knew there was no way he made Evan happy. But god he wanted to. He wanted Evans eyes to light up around him and he wanted Evans voice to get soft around him but he knew it would never happen.  
Evan was convinced Jared was just jealous “What about Alana you two could be cute?” He would always say.  
He understood why Evan would think that him and Alana had been spending a lot of time together but not for the reason Evan thought.  
Through all this craziness it had become extremely hard to keep up his grades and Alana came in handy with that. Contrary to popular belief Jared was actually quite smart he just had trouble focusing and piecing all the information together and Alana was great with helping him with that. She was growing on him and he had begun to view her as a real friend.  
Of course he wouldn’t admit that to her or to anyone else.  
Because that would mean admitting to caring and that wasn’t something Jared was too good at.  
“Can we do something other than math?” Jared asked Alana after about an hour of math homework. He had Alana over because Evan had bailed on him. Again. They were supposed to work on letters but Evan was taking Zoe out instead.   
“Jared you have to pass this class.”  
Jared rolled his eyes, “I think I’ll be fine let’s go see a movie I have like 20 bucks and I wanna see the new fast and furious movie.”  
He drove her with her talking 100 miles a minute. Which would have usually bothered him but at least she wasn’t talking about the Connor project or Zoey

“Alana! Jared!”  
Fuck.  
Jared realized this must have been where Evan was taking Zoey.  
“Hi guys!” Zoey said, her and Evan hand and hand.  
“Hi Jared- Jared, Alana.” Evan smiled at him and winked and Jared wanted to punch him in his dumb beautiful face.  
“Hi!” Alana said in her super enthusiastic Alana voice.  
“We were about to go see the promise do you guys want to join us?” Zoey ask  
“Actually-” Alana cut him off before he could get out a no and said “Of course! We’ll go buy our tickets right now.”  
“Why would you do this to me Alana ?” jared hissed once they were out of earshot at the ticket booth.  
She gave him a weird look “It’s only a few hours I think you’ll live.”  
He knew she thought he was referring to the movie.  
They got there tickets and settled into the middle row. Evan and Zoe Managed to remain holding hands the whole time. They kept exchanging soft smiles and every time they did it was like someone was stabbing Jared in the heart.  
“Evan you haven’t really being putting up much on the Conor project page lately.” Alana said to Evan as the ads began to roll on the screen.  
“Sorry i’ve been busy.. With other things.” He said and looked at Zoe softly  
“Right like pinching yourself over and over again trying to figure out if you're in a dream because how else would someone like you ever get a girl like Zoey. That only happens in dreams and in movies.”  
“Actually I like Evan a lot. “ Zoey hugged Evan closer to her glaring at Jared. Evan just let out an awkward little chuckle. He was used to Jared’s humor but it was obvious Zoe wasn’t.  
“So do I” Was what Jared wanted to say but he didn’t what he said instead was  
“Not sure why. Is it his stuttering that turns you on or the fact that he only owns one pair of pants?”  
Alana slapped Jared's arm not so playfully glaring at him.  
“He’s kind and gentle. Unlike some people.”  
Jared mocked hurt, “Boy have you offended me.” he said it just as the previews ended and the movie began and he felt smug knowing he got the last word in.  
Jared was trying to not let himself be annoyed that Evan was at the movie theater with Zoe when he knew if he had asked Evan, Evan would have said no he hates crowds. He knew that Evan didn’t owe him anything he was a terrible friend to Evan but he hated how much time and energy Evan was putting into Zoey.  
That was his dream though, Zoey was his dream girl.  
But that’s all she was. She didn’t know Evan. Not the way Jared did. She didn’t know Evan during his emo phase and she didn’t know him when all he wanted to do was talk about trucks. He bet she didn’t know that his favorite flower was a daisy or that his favorite tree was oak. He bet she didn’t know that when he was 12 he ate nothing but sunflower butter for a week straight or that he got his first bit of facial hair at 13.  
She didn’t know him not really but here she was with him with him pretending Jared didn’t exist or matter. And frankly he had no reason to treat Jared good. Sure they had history but Jared got that wasn’t enough because Evan didn’t need him anymore.  
Fuck   
He didn’t need him.  
The realization hit Jared and it felt like he had been burned.  
Alana looked over at him worriedly, “Are you okay?” She whispered  
“Trying not to puke at how lame this awful movie is.” He said putting on his signature smirk. Alana eyed him she had gotten to the point where she saw all his bullshit.

The ride home was relatively quiet.  
“What was wrong with you today?” Alana asked him   
“Nothing.”  
“Really? Don’t play dumb with me asshole.”  
“Don’t drag me to shitty movies with shitty people.”  
“Nice way to refer to your best friend.”  
Jared could feel something inside of him snap when she said that “he’s not my best friend. He doesn’t give two shits about me.”  
Alana rolled her eyes, “maybe if you didn’t mock everything he did he’d care more.”  
“Maybe if i wasn’t in love with him i’d treat him better!”  
The second the words exited his mouth he regretted them.  
What?”  
Jared took a deep breath and said the words he never thought he’d say out loud “I’m in love with Evan Hansen. And I’m gay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for readinggg and leaving kuddos and comments you guys are the best


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really short I didn't have a lot of time this week but here is something

Alana stared at him for a minute after he said that like she was waiting for him to crack a smirk and tell her he was joking.   
He didn’t he just sat looking straight ahead trying not to have a nervous breakdown.   
He was gay and he had finally said it outloud.  
“Oh… okay.” She said like she was still waiting for him to say he was joking.  
There was a minute of uncomfortable silence.  
“How long have you known?” She asked and Jared wasn’t sure if she was asking because she was curious or because she wasn’t sure what else to say.  
“I’m not gonna bull crap you and say i always knew that’d be a huge lie I didn’t even know what gay was till ten i mean I always knew I didn’t like girls but.” Fuck he was rambling. Like Evan.  
“Since middle school.” He said and shut his mouth. He hated feeling this vulnerable.  
“Why don’t you join gsa?”  
“Other than the fact that I’m not that much of a loser? I’m not out yet. You're the first person I’ve ever told.”  
“You should come. You don’t need to come out at the meeting but it might help you.. Figure stuff out.”  
“I don’t need to figure anything out i’m as queer as a three dollar bill.”  
“No one says that anymore. I meant figure out how to come out. It helped me a lot when I was trying to come out as bi.”  
Jared could feel himself getting irritated. He knew she was just trying to help but god was she pushy.  
“I’m good.”  
“The why don’t you tell people?”  
Jared was going to quip at her but he sometimes didn’t really know why.  
“Are your parents homophobic?”  
He shook his head, “I don’t think so.”  
He remembers the first time he ever heard gay people being talked about negatively.  
It was at camp. He was nine. At that time he didn’t even fully understand what being gay was at the time. His bunk mate and closest friend at the time had screamed faggot at the top of his lungs to the nerdy kid at camp. When Jared had asked what that word meant he had said it was a word for gross boys who like to kiss other boys.  
Jared had felt like there was a weight on his chest in that moment and he didn’t know why.  
“I guess… I guess I was afraid of not being accepted by my friends. My camp friends anyway.”  
“Oh. Are they homophobic?”  
“Gee you sure ask a lot of questions.”  
“I’m just curious.”  
Jared tried to not let himself get annoyed. He had just come out. He knew how she was he didn’t want her running her mouth to people about him being gay. That was the last thing he needed right now.  
“There not the biggest fan of guy on guy stuff. They watch more than enough lesbian porn though. They make a lot of gay jokes and anytime someone isn’t too well liked at camp they get a ton of gay jokes thrown on them. There was one actually gay guy at camp and me and him we had a thing… we still kind of do. Anyway everyone treated him like shit. I never did cause I never wanted him to tell people. But people were so mean to him. And they all said it wasn’t because he was gay but I know they wouldn’t have treated him like that otherwise. He left camp after the first month cause it got too much.”  
“Why didn’t you get the other camp counselors involved? Telling an adult is the best way to stop bullying.” She said sounding like something straight out of an infomercial.  
“At my camp that's the best way to get your ass kicked. And I didn’t feel like getting my ass kicked the way he was every day.”  
“But you guys were dating.”  
“We were fucking. Not the same thing.”  
“More than I’ve had I’ve never even kissed anyone, never gone on a date. I would stand up for someone I had a ‘thing’ with.”  
“Not my fault you can’t get a date.”  
She shot him a glare, “Not the point. I’m just saying you shouldn’t stay in the closet for them it isn’t worth it. Come to gsa. Please. At least think about it.”  
They pulled up to his house. “Fine. I’ll think about it.” He started to get out of the car and Alana stopped him.  
“Thank you… for telling me. It means a lot that you trust me.”  
Jared nodded and squeezed her hand “You're such a loser.” But there was a fondness in his voice and she smiled and squeezed his hand back.  
When he went in the house he got on his computer and went to his blog that had reached exactly 50 followers as of yesterday.   
I finally told someone I was gay. Like I said the words out loud.  
He wrote a long sappy post about it and posted it and then got on his xbox and played video games into the wee hours of the night feeling better than he had in months.


	6. Jared admits his feelings(sort of)

As The months dragged on Jared got worse and worse. Evan was pushing himself farther and farther away. Even farther than he had before.He didn’t even come over to do the emails anymore. Hell he would barely skype him about it anymore. Most of the time all Jared would receive was a flippant text from Evan that he needed more emails .  
Frankly he was getting sick of it.  
He felt used.  
Evan was at the Murphys every single night. In the school hallways Evan and Zoe walked hand and hand and it was slowly destroying Jared.  
Evan hardly said hi to him at school at this point. He would wave and smile. He would almost never go up to Jared.  
Alana would always tell him to just go up to evan and talk to him but he didn’t want to put his pride down and cave like that.  
He was used to them being distant he just wasn’t used to Evan being the one causing the distance. He was the one who caused the distance who pushed Evan away. He wasn’t used to this and frankly he hated it.  
“Invite him over just to hang out.” Alana advised him “Instead of just working on the Connor project.”  
Jared would be lying if he didn’t contemplate doing this for about a week before he worked up the courage to ask Evan.  
“My parents are out of town for the weekend and they haven’t touched the liquor cabinet since rosh hashanah 1997 which means we can drink whatever we want.”  
Evan looked frazzled when he answered “I can’t this weekend I have 1700 dollars to raise. Remember the connor project you're supposed to be working on it.”  
“Uh remember you said you didn’t need my help.” Jared said defensively remembering Evan snapping at him about a week before.”  
“Well I didn’t say to do nothing I know you think it's a big joke but it's important.”  
“For connor really?”  
“Yeah.”  
Jared felt something inside of him go blank when he said what he said next. “You know when you really stop and think about it Connor being dead is the best thing that ever happened to you isn’t it?”  
Evan walked toward him looking horrified, “Thats a horrible thing to say.”  
“No really think about it if Connor hadn’t died no one would even know who you are. People at school actually talk to you now you’re almost popular now which is just wonder of wonder miracle of miracles.”  
Evan smirked at him a bit at the musical theater reference.  
“I don’t care about any of that okay? I just wanted to help the Murphys.”Jared interrupted him “Help the murphys. Yeah I know. You keep saying that.”  
Zoey walked up looking as pretty as ever and how quickly Evans attention went to her annoyed Jared to no end  
“Hey Jared.” Why did she have to be so nice.  
He held her hand and she kissed him.  
“Look at you. Helping the murphys.”  
He walked away and he heard Zoey ask Evan what his deal was and he wanted to turn around and yell that his deal was that he had been used by the closest thing he had ever had to a best friend.   
And at this point Evan didn’t seem to care about anything but Zoey not even the dumb Connor project.  
The only thing was so fucked. He was dating a girl because he lied. He made up this whole dumb story and used it to his advantage.  
Part of Jared was beginning to wonder if he even knew Evan anymore.  
He vented all this to Alana leaving out the faking emails part.  
“He’s selfish.”  
“He’s excited. He’s never had anything like this before. Just let him enjoy. He’ll come around. You guys will get close again.”  
Jared sat on the floor of her stuffing his face with popcorn, “I doubt it.”  
“Don’t talk with your mouth full.”  
He flung a piece of popcorn at her and she ducked giggling. She threw her pillow at him narrowingly missing his head.  
She was much more playful around him and it honestly made Jared very happy to see her loosen up so much. She was so uptight and was constantly stressed and trying to do another big thing and getting to see her enjoy life made him very happy.  
“You want to get drunk with me this weekend instead?” He asked her  
“I told you I don’t drink. It gets in the way of my school work.”  
He sighed flopping over his bed. He decided instead of calling his booty call he’d just get drunk alone and watch movies and try not to worry about Evan.  
And thats exactly what he did. He got extremely drunk. A little more drunk than he meant to. And when he woke the next morning he had to face the consequences of what he did.   
Evan called him the next day at 10 morning   
“What do you want asshole?” There was a hint of concern in his voice though Evan never called anyone.  
“Jared what was that text supposed to mean last night?”  
Jared was a bit confused “Text? Huh?”  
“You said you loved me. That you were in love with me. I figured you probably didn’t mean to send it to mean that you hit the wrong number or something. But i just wanted to call just to confirm that you know.”  
Fuck.  
Fuck.  
Jared made his snarky laugh and said, “ Did you actually think it was meant for you. I was drunk it was meant for the girl at camp. Here name starts with an e too so I must have accidently typed in your number.”  
“Oh.”  
Jared wasn’t sure if he was making it up in his head but Evan sounded somewhat disappointed.  
“Don’t sound so dejected dude. You still have jazz band murphy and dead murphy.”  
He hung up wishing that drunk him wasn’t the only him that was brave enough to confess his feelings. He wished sober him could too. He took and advil and drank some water and laid down feeling horribly physically and mentally. He decided it was a step though. At least he had admitted something to Evan even if he denied it the next day. At least he had opened up a little even if he wasn’t sober when he did.  
It was a baby step. He had made a lot of baby steps lately. Of course he did eventually want to get over Evan. Find a gay or bi guy who loved him back. But not until he could be honest with Evan. Tell him the truth of why he pushed him away. And maybe, maybe last night proved he was capable of opening up.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been trying to get back into writing so here's my sort of shitty attempt at it enjoy! I will try to keep updates pretty regular but my schedules super busy so I'm not sure how often i'll be updating


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